Sach ka Saamna and other stupidities

It’s weird how Sach ka Saamna has created such furore amongst our MPs. Apparently, the I&B Ministry has issued a notice to Star Plus, demanding the closure of the reality show. What has got our netas’ knickers in a knot is a small time actor confessing to having sex with a prostitute while his daughter sat in the room. Well, of course it did. Prostitution is illegal in India and such shows only encourage people to break the law.

(Bet they’re thinking they weren’t so hard on sex-ed in schools now, eh?)

Besides, it gives them another headache. Prostitution is like homosexuality. A giant elephant in the room no one wants to acknowledge. It’s like before the repealing of section 377, we had a host of gays admitting to being homosexuals, but not practising homosexuals. How stupid is that? It’s like me saying I’m ambidextrous but doctor, don’t cut off my right hand as I’m not a practising southpaw?

Then someone says to me, “How you know is if the thought of doing it with the same sex excites you.” Okay, so I’ve often fantasised about doing it with Raveena Tandon and Shilpa Shetty. That doesn’t make me Akshay Kumar, does it?

In another incident, some journos asked Shruti Haasan to comment on how her dad would react upon seeing her in a bikini. And she said, “Dad’s changed my diapers, why would he mind seeing me in a bikini?” How stupid is that? What is she saying? That she’s been toilet trained since then and is not likely to poop in her panties? And that, should she poop, panties are so much easier to change than diapers?

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He didn’t smoke or drink

The Shiney Ahuja episode carries on. Now more people are coming out in support of him. Someone said, “He didn’t smoke or drink.” I’m sure the maid feels better. “Gee, he raped me, but at least I didn’t get cigarette burns!”

Meanwhile, there’s much controversy over the tabling, in the house, of the Bardhan committee report on 26/11 attacks on Mumbai. The government is reluctant to table the report as is while the opposition is determined to have it tabled in the house as is. After furious negotiations, they have arrived at a compromise. Now the tabled report will be a much slimmer document and will read, “There were lapses.”

The Office of Expenditure is also being charged with lapses. There is much furore over their reinstatement of policy approving first class travel for leaders and bureaucrats. They are being accused of fiscal imprudence and gross misuse of tax payers’ money. I don’t understand what the fuss is about. They didn’t buy any ammo for the Mumbai police last year so it’s just a case of internal juggling of accounts, isn’t it?

Besides, it helps the cash-strapped Air India which hasn’t paid salaries. They did, however, spend twelve crores on crockery.  So what are they saying? “Hey, your plane is on autopilot as the pilot didn’t make it to work…but enjoy your pretty plates?”

On the subject of flying, someone, somewhere asked, “Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?” Good question, I thought. You are on a suicide mission, I don’t think it matters if your brains are splattered everywhere. And then someone said, “I don’t think they were helmets. They were flight caps and goggles.” This was even stupider, I thought. What were they afraid of? People are gonna say, “Looks like he was having a bad hair day, May he rest in peace?”

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IT WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE

So the verdict is out. Intercourse did take place between Shiney Ahuja and the maid and the whole industry is united in its condemnation of the incident. When he heard this, Ahuja broke down and cried, “It was the biggest mistake of my life.” When asked whether he admitted to the incident, Ahuja said, “Rape? I was talking about my earlier unreasonable and uppity behavior with the industry folk.”

A mistake. Really? I wonder what gave it away. When they started bandying about terms like ‘IPC section 376’ and ‘sexual assault?’

Anurag Basu is one of rare people who have come out in support of Ahuja. Calling Ahuja not only a colleague but a close personal friend, he said that Ahuja is a good husband and father and would never do something like that. When questioned about his strong defense of the accused, Basu said, “What do you expect me to say? Look how much trouble my comments on the Big B got me into.”

Shazahn Padamsee, the new Yashraj heroine starring opposite Ranbir Kapoor in Rocket Singh, is upset that a fake FB profile of hers is doing the rounds. Hearing about this, Minisha Lamba said, “I should be so lucky!”

In a complaint lodged with the cyber crime cell, Padamsee stated that someone has created a fake profile of hers and is using it to send abusive messages to industry people. Reacting to this, Anurag Kashyap said, “Now why didn’t I think of it?”

The turmoil in the BJP continues. During their ongoing chintan baithak, internal critics have said that BJP has distanced itself from its core beliefs. Reacting to this, Advani was heard grumbling to Rajnath Singh, “After all these years who the hell remembers core issues and beliefs?”

Sushama Swaraj also said that the situation in the BJP was volcanic. However, she added, the volcano was nearly extinct and in no danger of erupting anytime soon.

The Congress is doing away with feudal titles. They have advised their members to desist from using titles like Raja, Begum, Nizam, Nawab etc. The memo was signed by Contessa Sonia Gandhi.

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India crashes out of the T-20 Tournament

So, India has crashed out of the T-20 world cup tournament. When Dhoni was asked in a post match interview if Sehwag’s absence contribute to the failure, he said, “Not as much as Jadeja’s presence…and the fact that we gambled on sending in Yuvi way down the order…and the fact that we gambled on chasing…and…To which the media asked, “Did any of your gambles pay off?” To which Mahi said, “Sure they did. With odds 4-1 in favour of India winning, I made a pile of cash.”

A new study has found that listening to ‘chilling’ music or music that ‘sends shivers down your spine’ activates the same pleasure centres in the brain as does cocaine. Reacting to this data, the music companies were reported to have complained, “Great, now they’re going to ban us too?”

A study has found that, like humans, sperm whales have baby sitters, too. So how does this work? “Hey, I need a babysitter.” “Okay, it’s going to cost you ten squid an hour.” And do the whale babysitters exhibited the same behavior as human baby sitters – talking incessantly on the phone, raiding the fridge and making out with their boyfriends?

Shiney Ahuja had been accused of rape by his eighteen year old maid. In a statement to the police, the Ahuja said, “There’s been a misunderstanding. When I said to her, kapde utaro, I meant take off the clothes from the clothesline.”

To which the maid reacted by saying, “I’ll never be able to completely explain, how you feel after something like that…worthless, violated, confused….n o t h i n g will ever be able to compensate for the degradation I feel…but, the huge out-of-court settlement will help tremendously.”

Sorry, I know that’s insensitive but I feel the whole thing sounds…fishy. She’s been alone with him for forty-five days and he attacks now? I’ll wait for the maid’s rape kit. If it does indeed confirm rape, I’ll gladly apologize.

The time is 1.00 p.m. and I just got the Mid-day. According to Mid-Day, Shiney Ahuja had apparently confessed to the crime. I apologize for the insensitive joke above. Being a woman, I know how heinous rape is. The problem is that treatment meted out to alleged perps under the rape and anti dowry laws is so ridiculous that one does feel for the man. The treatment seems to be arrest first, enquire later. It is just so easy to frame a guy! I personally know of two instances where this has happened. Hence, my earlier scepticism.

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To catch a thief

The authorities in a crime ridden section of Tokya have come up with a novel concept to counter burglars. Plant more flowers. Their logic is if the people will be more aware as they will spend more time looking out of their houses while watering or generally looking after the flowers. And here I thought it was to catch footprints in the flowerbeds!

King’s College, London has said that most people don’t know where their heart is. They’ve said that in spite of the increase in education levels and the Internet, people’s awareness of the human anatomy remains low. That’s silly. Why would anyone pore over graphic and asexual vivisection of the human body on the Internet when there’s porn? And tell me, how will knowing where my heart is help? “Hey, doctor, I’m having a heart attack. Let me help you by telling you where my heart is.” If the doctor doesn’t know where your heart is, maybe you need to call your lawyer.

And oh, Mayawati has expressed disdain for Rahul Gandhi’s efforts to reach out to Dalits. Oh, that’s an effective way of cocking a snook at him – take out a huge rally on his birthday! That’ll show him how utterly scornful you are of him.

Antara Mali (remember her?) tied the knot with her beau in a quiet ceremony. Know how she pulled off the hush-hush bit? Complete lack of media interest.

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I wish Obama was my dad

The US has decided to triple its aid to Pakistan. Boy, I don’t know about you but I wish Obama was my dad. “Hey, bunked school to bonk with boyfriend? Excellent! Let me reward you by taking you out for a beer!”

I know, I know, the US has a far reaching agenda in ‘rewarding’ Pakistan. Yeah, I can see how that can work. “If I take her out for a beer, that one beer will become two and maybe she’ll get drunk. If she gets drunk, she’ll get stupid and have unprotected sex with her boyfriend. And maybe she’ll get knocked up. And then I can marry her off and she’s not my problem anymore!”

On the subject of Pakistan, there’s been outrage over some Paki jokes on tee shirts. Supposedly they go like this: What’s the difference between a Pakistani and a vacuum cleaner? The vacuum cleaner needs to be plugged in before it sucks. The picture shows a Pakistani with the word, Jehadi on his sleeve and three thought bubbles – eat, sleep and Kashmir – around his head.

Reacting to these tees, Teesta Setalvad called them sad and shocking and felt that jehadis’ rights had been violated. She also made public her intention of coaching the jehadis on fabricating stories of atrocities committed against them by the Indian authorities and private citizens like Tantra.

Yeah, one lodged in luxury in Arthur Road Jail and the other nine dead availing of an exclusive deep freeze in the morgue, I can see how life sucks for them.

In yet another news, Abbas Tyrewala said he’s sending John Abraham to his mother-in-law for coaching in diction. To which the mom-in-law said, “you mean that hunk of wood in yellow trunks was alive?”

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Daily Diatribe

Hrithik Roshan has reportedly paid a whopping Rs. 45 crore (Rs. 450 million) for a plot of land in Juhu. Shows he’ll pay anything to get away from daddy. And SRK has gifted his bodyguard a flat in Bandra. You read about that? Seems like SRK’s bodyguard is getting married and when SRK found out, he decided to gift him an apartment next to Mannat. Shows he’ll pay anything to keep Salman away from him!

Oh, and Rakesh Roshan gave a statement about Hrithik’s land purchase deal. Did you read that? He said, “Hrithik is not moving out. He’s bought the plot as an investment.” And you know what he didn’t say? It’s an investment made on his behalf by the Banco Nacional de Mexico!

China has mocked India saying they can’t compete with us. And I was thinking they are so right. What’s the one thing we Indians are good at? Reproducing, right? And we can’t even compete there!

BJP,  yes the party of doddering old men, has been in discussions for the past few days to discuss the reasons for their dismal performance in the recent elections. One journalist parked outside noticed the noise levels inside rising and excitedly asked the Rajnath Singh, “They must have decided something by now.”

Rajnath Singh: Decided? No, we have just finished saying “Good Morning”.

Journalist: But it’s been going for hours.

Rajnath Singh: You must understand, young journo, it takes a long time to say anything in Old BJPish. We never say anything unless it’s worth taking a long time to say.

It’s scary how many similarities there are between the BJP and the Ents of the LOTR.

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India doing an Isreal – wishful thinking by a wistful Indian

By now everyone must be aware of what’s happening in the Gaza strip, including criticism of Israel’s actions. Yet, I defy any Indian not to feel a modicum of wistfulness at the forcefulness of Israel’s reaction, wishing we had the nerve to do the same with Pakistan.

Sure, Israel had come under a lot of international condemnation for their actions. They have been accused of ‘using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.’ My feelings on this are mixed. Sure they could have used crude homemade bombs like the other side, but what would that have achieved? If you have to retaliate, do so with such vigour that it is at least a deterrent. Otherwise why bother at all? Why not be like India, only pleading and whining at international fora? Speaking of which, what has the international community done about it? Diddly squat. America is, as it always has, supporting Israel.

I know this is just the rant of a helpless people, let down repeatedly by their government. I know that bombing Pakistan is not an option. Not even ‘surgical strikes.’ Because, for sure, it will result in a war and that is not a desirable option. Not least of all because both are nuclear capable states but because it would be deleterious to an already weakened economy.

So we’ll do what we always do. ‘Exhort the international community using gentle persuasion.’ Meanwhile, we’ll roll out the red carpet for Bill Clinton, soon-to-be-appointed special envoy to Kashmir.

On that cheery note, Happy New Year.

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