Posts Tagged ‘jokes’

I recently signed up to perform at an amateur comedy night. And bombed. Big time.

I don’t know what possessed me to do it – boredom with the usual routine, mid-life crisis or latent masochism – but the moment Vir Das’ company announced their HAMateur night open mike, I dashed off an email asking them to include me in their list of performers. Silly, right? Wait, it gets sillier. And then I actually went ahead with it!

Of course, I had my usual panic attack in the morning where I went, “Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! I can’t do this.” And my friend said, “Why?” “Can’t you see, I’m having a bad hair day!” And she went, “Oh, and I thought it’s because you suck at delivering jokes.”

Of course, ‘you suck at delivering jokes’ turns what was essentially a mild performance anxiety into a full blown self esteem issue, in order to overcome which she insisted that I had to perform as originally planned. I had to face my fears in order to feel good about myself. “So,” I said, “let me get this straight. I have to stand on stage, with a spotlight fixed on me, bombing in front of a room full of people…yeah, I can see how that’ll make me feel good about myself!”

You know, I have an issue with this whole facing your fears business. Why do we always have to face our fears in order to overcome them? They should have a pill or something, which when you pop, miraculously cures your mind of all fears. Wait a minute, they do – amphetamines.

This, in case you missed the point of the rant, subtle as it was with all the italicizing, was the content.

Oh, and I almost forgot about the opening joke: Isn’t it stupid how 4-5 swine deaths have the whole city running in a panic, covering their faces with masks. And yet, a million people have died of AIDS and they’re still not wearing condoms.

My phone beeped a message just now. It was someone texting me the very same joke! Damn, now I can see why I bombed.

Seriously, the content was fine. My delivery sucked. And that’s because I chose to gesticulate at the wrong time. As a result, I moved the mike away from my mouth and people missed the punch line.

 Still, I did what I have always dreaded – public speaking. The most difficult kind of public speaking. That ought to mean something, right? Wrong, it means nothing to me. I hate the fact that I bombed.

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It’s weird how Sach ka Saamna has created such furore amongst our MPs. Apparently, the I&B Ministry has issued a notice to Star Plus, demanding the closure of the reality show. What has got our netas’ knickers in a knot is a small time actor confessing to having sex with a prostitute while his daughter sat in the room. Well, of course it did. Prostitution is illegal in India and such shows only encourage people to break the law.

(Bet they’re thinking they weren’t so hard on sex-ed in schools now, eh?)

Besides, it gives them another headache. Prostitution is like homosexuality. A giant elephant in the room no one wants to acknowledge. It’s like before the repealing of section 377, we had a host of gays admitting to being homosexuals, but not practising homosexuals. How stupid is that? It’s like me saying I’m ambidextrous but doctor, don’t cut off my right hand as I’m not a practising southpaw?

Then someone says to me, “How you know is if the thought of doing it with the same sex excites you.” Okay, so I’ve often fantasised about doing it with Raveena Tandon and Shilpa Shetty. That doesn’t make me Akshay Kumar, does it?

In another incident, some journos asked Shruti Haasan to comment on how her dad would react upon seeing her in a bikini. And she said, “Dad’s changed my diapers, why would he mind seeing me in a bikini?” How stupid is that? What is she saying? That she’s been toilet trained since then and is not likely to poop in her panties? And that, should she poop, panties are so much easier to change than diapers?

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People say the weirdest things, don’t they? You walk into a clinic and the receptionist asks, “You here to see the doctor?” Now why would she say that? Why would I go to a clinic at five in the evening if I wanted to see the doctor? I’d walk across to the pub next door. I’m there to see the hot young intern.

“Hungover? Drank too much last night, eh?” How stupid is that? I’m hungover ’cos I didn’t drink enough. If I’d drank too much I’d still be happily drunk, now wouldn’t I?

Oh, and here’s one I got from some random guy on FB. “Hi, I’m interested in secret, safe sex.” Why would he write me that? What does he expect me to say? Well, good for ya. Let me know if you find out what that is? Interested in secret, safe sex, indeed. I’m interested in the toilet habits of ancient Romans but you don’t find me boring strangers with it, do you?

Well, creepy as it is, it is better than people who send you friend requests and won’t add a message. Then, just to be perverse, they won’t even have a photo on their profile. Or have a photo of their kid or the family pet. What do they expect me to do? Dude, your name sounds familiar, and the bulldog look is about right, but I just can’t be sure if you’re the guy who showed me his wee-wee when we were five?

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The Shiney Ahuja episode carries on. Now more people are coming out in support of him. Someone said, “He didn’t smoke or drink.” I’m sure the maid feels better. “Gee, he raped me, but at least I didn’t get cigarette burns!”

Meanwhile, there’s much controversy over the tabling, in the house, of the Bardhan committee report on 26/11 attacks on Mumbai. The government is reluctant to table the report as is while the opposition is determined to have it tabled in the house as is. After furious negotiations, they have arrived at a compromise. Now the tabled report will be a much slimmer document and will read, “There were lapses.”

The Office of Expenditure is also being charged with lapses. There is much furore over their reinstatement of policy approving first class travel for leaders and bureaucrats. They are being accused of fiscal imprudence and gross misuse of tax payers’ money. I don’t understand what the fuss is about. They didn’t buy any ammo for the Mumbai police last year so it’s just a case of internal juggling of accounts, isn’t it?

Besides, it helps the cash-strapped Air India which hasn’t paid salaries. They did, however, spend twelve crores on crockery.  So what are they saying? “Hey, your plane is on autopilot as the pilot didn’t make it to work…but enjoy your pretty plates?”

On the subject of flying, someone, somewhere asked, “Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?” Good question, I thought. You are on a suicide mission, I don’t think it matters if your brains are splattered everywhere. And then someone said, “I don’t think they were helmets. They were flight caps and goggles.” This was even stupider, I thought. What were they afraid of? People are gonna say, “Looks like he was having a bad hair day, May he rest in peace?”

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Hrithik Roshan has reportedly paid a whopping Rs. 45 crore (Rs. 450 million) for a plot of land in Juhu. Shows he’ll pay anything to get away from daddy. And SRK has gifted his bodyguard a flat in Bandra. You read about that? Seems like SRK’s bodyguard is getting married and when SRK found out, he decided to gift him an apartment next to Mannat. Shows he’ll pay anything to keep Salman away from him!

Oh, and Rakesh Roshan gave a statement about Hrithik’s land purchase deal. Did you read that? He said, “Hrithik is not moving out. He’s bought the plot as an investment.” And you know what he didn’t say? It’s an investment made on his behalf by the Banco Nacional de Mexico!

China has mocked India saying they can’t compete with us. And I was thinking they are so right. What’s the one thing we Indians are good at? Reproducing, right? And we can’t even compete there!

BJP,  yes the party of doddering old men, has been in discussions for the past few days to discuss the reasons for their dismal performance in the recent elections. One journalist parked outside noticed the noise levels inside rising and excitedly asked the Rajnath Singh, “They must have decided something by now.”

Rajnath Singh: Decided? No, we have just finished saying “Good Morning”.

Journalist: But it’s been going for hours.

Rajnath Singh: You must understand, young journo, it takes a long time to say anything in Old BJPish. We never say anything unless it’s worth taking a long time to say.

It’s scary how many similarities there are between the BJP and the Ents of the LOTR.

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