Just something I wrote for Mail Today

The brief given to me was:

Author and scriptwriter Smita Jain writes on a futuristic world (10 years or so) where women rule the bedroom with their sexual demands being met by the men who share their bed. It’s the men’s DUTY to keep women satisfied throughout the night — a world where orgasms for women is the order of the night, and the men go out of their way to make sure she is more than satisfied. Write a bit about your new book if you like or write bits from your research for the book…  a sort of a teaser about the book and about men finally finding the G-spot. Ahem Ahem! 

“Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.”

Katoosh! The whip crack has the cowering man, shall we say, springing to attention and more than willing to fulfil the woman’s needs. He gets to work and a few minutes later, ejaculates an innocuous white liquid.

In yet another bedroom, the man frantically probes the anterior wall of his boss’s vagina (or if that is too risqué: tries to locate his partner’s G-Spot). She has expressed a desire to have a baby. She is ovulating and stimulated. All she needs is an orgasm. Yet another one. And he only has a window of five minutes to locate the pea-sized erogenous zone. Failure would mean she having to do the dirty work herself.

Ah, success! The boss lady is screaming her head off in excitement. He heaves a sigh of relief and starts planning her next big O. She’s going to need many more of those before the night is over and he’d better oblige or he can kiss that promotion good bye.

It is year 2050. As predicted by the Mayan calendar, the world did end in 2012. But not in the cataclysmic Armageddon type of way. It was but a subtle shift in the Earth’s plane as a result of it moving into a higher dimension. As we know, no major transformation comes about without chaos. And so it was with Earth.

New species, more suited to the changed environment, emerged. Many older species that were unable to adapt simply vanished. The few that survived were left with mutations. Amongst the notable changes was the death of the Y chromosome, and with it, the end of testosterone, the hormone inducing violent, aggressive behaviour.

In the new world order, nature has righted to its natural feminist state. The male, always thought of as a genetic parasite and deriving his power from his role in propagating the species, is impotent in every which way.

Science had already demonstrated that the female of the species is capable of reproducing without male…er…contribution. Now she is capable of creating the perfect XX offspring all by herself. All a woman needs to create life is an orgasm. Multiple ones in order to have a higher success rate.

Boardrooms and bedrooms have been taken over by women and men have been reduced to little more than slaves. The pretty ones get invited to sexually gratify their female bosses and ugly ones get shafted to dead-end jobs.

What happens when the existing male population dies out, you ask? Well, they’re simply cloned in laboratories. 

Meanwhile, in her chambers at the Vatican, her holiness the pope is busy rewriting or, shall we say, righting history:

“And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Eve, and she slept: and She took one of her ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from woman, made she a man, and brought him unto the woman.
And Eve said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: he shall be called Man, because he was taken out of Woman.” (Genesis Revised 2:21-23)

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This New Age Stuff Really Works!

You know how us Indians, almost all of us universally, have been brought up on the funda that life is a constant grind? And that all we can do is struggle and hope for the best? And as a corollary, the oft repeated verse from the Gita – Karmanyevadhikaraste Maphaleshu Kadachan is quoted? (Methinks it’s the only thing people have read in the Gita. Certainly, it’s the only one I’ve read. I tried to read the whole book, though. Honestly I did. Many times. I gave it up every time. Almost all Hindu texts, to me, appear to be misogynistic rants.)

It’s a whole load of crap. Let me tell you where I’m coming from:

Kkrishnaa’s Konfessions: When I first started writing, I just wrote because I had a story that excited me. And I knew I was writing it well. That’s it. I just wanted it published. I knew it was good enough to be published. More importantly, I believed it was going to get published. And lo! Within three days of submitting the MS I got a contract. The second one followed. And now there, are expectations that I’ll churn out a third one before the year is out. My life is harder now than when I first began writing! Which brings me to an unrelated but important observation – getting success is easy, maintaining it is hard.

Blog: I started blogging because I write a journal-like entry every morning anyway. So I figured, why not put it on the Net? And let’s face it, it gives me a platform to voice my opinions, pontificate and popularize my book (soon to be books). As an added advantage, it allows me to put up favorable reviews and edit bad ones. Other than that, I’m the laziest blogger in the whole world.

Therefore, it came as pleasant surprise when I did a search for my blog and found it tops in many directories! I don’t know how and when that happened (Certainly, my blog doesn’t inform me when someone links me). It’s not that I consciously cultivate readership. I don’t go that many other blogs. Or comment on them. I just don’t have the time. When I’m not writing my novel, I’m writing for TV. And when I’m not doing that, I’m writing film screenplays. Then there are newspapers and magazines who want my ‘expert’ opinion on something.

Sales of Kkrishnaa’s Konfessions: I’ve never harangued my publishers for better publicity and promotion for the book, knowing their efforts are inadequate and lots more could be done. I don’t do that because I believe the product is good enough to do well without it. And it is in the bestsellers list every time. More importantly, it’s not dead stock. Every book store I ask tells me the book is a ‘fast moving item.’

There was this one books store in Powai which didn’t have the book in its display. When I asked a salesman about it, he helpfully got up and tried to locate it for me. While he was searching, I asked him why it wasn’t on prominent display. He stopped, shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. “It wasn’t a moving.” My heart sank. Anyway, after a few minutes of fruitless searching, he went back to his desk and checked in the computer. And looked up, dazed. “We had fifteen copies. It’s sold out! We’ve placed an order for more.”

Which brings me to another unrelated important observation – in things like books, movies and almost anything to do with popular culture, it is word of mouth publicity that counts. Sure, splashy campaigns in traditional media help in generating visibility, but they don’t always translate into sales. I read many reviews and author interviews in newspapers but I don’t rush out to buy their books. I wait for an opinion from a friend I trust before I fork out the money.

Anyway, to come back to point of this rambling and long winded post, new age stuff with its emphasis on ‘abundance’ and ‘getting what you want is easy’ really works! All you have to do is believe.

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Choices, Choices

I haven’t been blogging much. The reason is that I’m the middle of rewriting my second novel. And the Australian Open, of course. Actually I haven’t been on the Internet much. Well, hardly much. Only to the Australian Open site, to check scores and schedules.

 

You see, I had written my novel but I was a little iffy about my lead character. I have a pretty keen ear for dialogue (yes, even the one I write) and she felt…stilted. I kept going over the MS again and again to figure out where and why and try and fix that. And I realised the problem was everywhere. And it was because I hadn’t succeeded in being her. I was trying too hard to be a character I don’t identify with. Or perhaps, not trying hard enough.

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I decided to change the lead character. Her attributes anyway. Now that changes the slant of the story and all interactions she has with other characters. Guys, this is a major rewrite, ‘cos, you see, based upon the new qualities, the characters she didn’t like earlier suddenly become her friends and friends become foes. As for lovers, let’s not even go there.

 

So that started another search for a character. And then for two weeks I drove myself and everyone around me crazy, trying to come up with a character that’s quirky and funny and also goes with the flow of the story. I’ve been told I started to mutter to myself and randomly grab pieces of paper and scribble on them maniacally and generally behaving madly. I believe the topic of having me committed was a seriously debated one at home.

 

And then I had a breakthrough. And the Australian Open started. As far as I’m concerned it couldn’t have come at a worse time.

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MTNL Zindabad

I’ve had enough. My Internet’s still not up but I’m not going to let that stop me from writing my blog. Well, every other day at any rate.  Although to be fair, the forced hiatus did me a bit of good. For the first time in six months I could concentrate, as in really concentrate, on my book.  

Earlier, whenever I hit the teeniest-tiniest roadblock, the first thing I usually did was click on the Explorer button. You know, just till the juices started flowing again. Not that I was a net junkie. Not by a long shot. I mean, there were times that I could go by for up to four hours without going onto the Internet. Still, the temptation was always there.

With the temptation removed, I had no option but to hack away at it till I got it right. And I was able to get a lot accomplished. I think I may even finish my book by mid-October. Isn’t it awesome? It’s almost good enough for me to wish for no Internet for just a little while more. No, I didn’t say that! I take that back.

Of course, it wasn’t so in the beginning. I almost went out of my mind thinking Omigod! I’m not connected! No email! I must be missing out on thousands of business opportunities. But gradually I began to relax and realised I wasn’t doing much business through the Internet in the first place. My TV guys were obliging enough to send and get stuff picked on a pen drive. That taken care of, none of the emails I received were pressing in any way. 

So, in a way, I have to thank the Tata Indicom guys. Or the Onicra guys ’cos it wasn’t actually the Tata Indicom people who screwed up, but one of their vendors in charge of delivery and installation of devices. Still it is Tata Indicom’s responsibility. It’s like in Singapore. The pet poops and the owner scoops.

Someone wrote that Tata Indicom must get their act right if they don’t want to get trashed on my blog. But I’m not going to indulge in any Tata Indicom bashing.

Yes, they’ve been lax but, truth be told, there is no service company which has a hundred percent customer satisfaction record. I’ve had problems with Reliance and vodafone. I have friends who’ve had problems with Bharti. So who do you go to? MTNL? Actually, now that I mention it, maybe MTNL is the answer. For one, their broadband is actually broadband and I’m told you can get speeds up to 2 mbps (even though you applied for the 512 kbps plan)! Two, strange as it may sound, the only company I haven’t had a problem with is our good old sarkari MTNL. Can you imagine?

Meanwhile, my time on the Internet is limited so I can’t reply to individual comments personally yet. But I assure you I’m reading them and appreciate your feedback. So please keep visiting and commenting and I will get back soon.

 

 

 

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My Computer Crashed

The bad news is in the headline guys. Thankfully my computer is functional once again but the Internet connectivity is coming along rather slowly. It should be done by Monday and that’s when you can look out for me.

I’m adding it in the category of experiences cos it has REALLY been an experience. Luckily, this time around I had a backup. Will write about it when I’m back.

Ciao till then. And keep writing!

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Comments Etiquette

I’ve been getting a lot of hate mail and hate comments. You don’t see them because, of course, I don’t approve them.

I don’t understand this. I mean, I can understand it if your rant is against the book, because you’ve paid good money for it (assuming of, course, that you’ve bought it and not borrowed/pinched it). So if you’re feeling cheated, rave on. (Although, even there I’d feel better if the comments were constructive and not pure venom.)

But rants against the blog? Which is free? How demanding are we getting? I understand that your time is limited and if devote an ‘x’ number of seconds to a site, that is ‘x’ seconds less for something else that you may consider more worthwhile.

But, seriously, grow up. If you don’t like something, move on. That’s what I do. A couple of seconds of skimming tells me whether I want to spend more time on that particular site or not. I don’t crib about having wasted my time by visiting a particular site and then, contrarily, spend more time in leaving a hate comment.

At first I got a bit upset because I had made it very clear from the very beginning that:

• A) There’s only so much gyaan you can impart on the craft of writing. As the end of the day you have to do the writing.
• B) I use my blog as my morning pages as well. So there will be days when I’m not dropping pearls of wisdom.

But then I realised that this was their way, albeit a convoluted one, to get me to visit their blogs. There’s nothing quite like a little rant to get noticed, is there? Perhaps, something to keep in mind about when you’re writing your bestseller?

Here’s one I got on the book today. Well, it’s not on the book per se.

This guy wrote: Hi, I’m a fan of your book. Keep up the good work.

To which I replied: Thank you so much. One does aim to please

To which he replied: Hmmm, you sound rude and arrogant.

I give up!

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Gripes of Write

Curiously, this morning, I found myself running out of ideas for my blog. What’s curious about it, you say (that’s just a mystery writer building suspense). Patience and all will be revealed (now that’s just plain grandstanding).

 

You see, the reason I first started blogging was to discipline myself. In one of my earlier post I’ve mentioned the importance of writing morning pages. Morning pages as I’ve mentioned in one of my earlier posts are nothing but three pages of writing first thing in the morning. That’s it. Just writing – whatever comes to your mind (read more about it here and here).

 

I tend to use the morning pages a little differently. I use them to flesh out ideas that I’m going to write that day. I also use them to remind myself of some common mistakes people make while writing. No matter how accomplished we are or how much we’ve written, we tend to forget some important rules. For example, sometimes I tend to fall in love with my prose and end up writing three pages of description of a tree. Yep, the part readers tend to skip.

 

But, my morning pages today kinda acquired a life of their own and ran into reams full of angst and gripes against the world. The reason being today I ended up reading the paper before the morning pages and read an announcement of a film project. I also discovered that the script that I had written for the producer had had been credited to someone else.

 

To come back to point, gripes are hardly suitable material for a blogpost. I mean, I’m having a bad day doesn’t mean I have to ruin if for others. I should at least give them a fighting chance to ruin it themselves.

 

But that got me thinking. How do people who post everyday come up with material?  So I did some search and came up against some good ideas. Josh Porter outlines some good ideas for general blogging in his blog. As does Lorelle.

 

As I was searching I had an idea. I thought to myself, why not write about certain dos and don’ts for writers not related to writing. I mean I’ve been bummed many times and have loads of experience so the materials all there. And the first lesson is ALWAYS REGISTER.

 

Always register your scripts and manuscripts. You can register Manucripts / film/TV scripts / Songs / Concepts / Stories etc. with the Film Writer’s Association in Andheri (W). They are located in Richa Building, near Mongini’s Bakery, Off Link Road, Opposite Fame Adlabs. You have to be a member first and I think the basic membership fee is Rs. 2700 or thereabouts. Thereafter you can register your stuff at the cost of Rs 1 per page plus Rs. 2 for admin purposes.

 

However, for manuscripts I prefer the copyright division of the HRD Ministry. They are located near Mandi House in New Delhi. You can view and download the copyright form here.

 

On a cheerier note, I started and finished Sue Grafton’s B is for Burglar yesterday. For all you crime fiction enthusiasts, Sue Grafton is the lady for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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