I recently signed up to perform at an amateur comedy night. And bombed. Big time.
I don’t know what possessed me to do it – boredom with the usual routine, mid-life crisis or latent masochism – but the moment Vir Das’ company announced their HAMateur night open mike, I dashed off an email asking them to include me in their list of performers. Silly, right? Wait, it gets sillier. And then I actually went ahead with it!
Of course, I had my usual panic attack in the morning where I went, “Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! I can’t do this.” And my friend said, “Why?” “Can’t you see, I’m having a bad hair day!” And she went, “Oh, and I thought it’s because you suck at delivering jokes.”
Of course, ‘you suck at delivering jokes’ turns what was essentially a mild performance anxiety into a full blown self esteem issue, in order to overcome which she insisted that I had to perform as originally planned. I had to face my fears in order to feel good about myself. “So,” I said, “let me get this straight. I have to stand on stage, with a spotlight fixed on me, bombing in front of a room full of people…yeah, I can see how that’ll make me feel good about myself!”
You know, I have an issue with this whole facing your fears business. Why do we always have to face our fears in order to overcome them? They should have a pill or something, which when you pop, miraculously cures your mind of all fears. Wait a minute, they do – amphetamines.
This, in case you missed the point of the rant, subtle as it was with all the italicizing, was the content.
Oh, and I almost forgot about the opening joke: Isn’t it stupid how 4-5 swine deaths have the whole city running in a panic, covering their faces with masks. And yet, a million people have died of AIDS and they’re still not wearing condoms.
My phone beeped a message just now. It was someone texting me the very same joke! Damn, now I can see why I bombed.
Seriously, the content was fine. My delivery sucked. And that’s because I chose to gesticulate at the wrong time. As a result, I moved the mike away from my mouth and people missed the punch line.
Still, I did what I have always dreaded – public speaking. The most difficult kind of public speaking. That ought to mean something, right? Wrong, it means nothing to me. I hate the fact that I bombed.
When tall, suave, handsome Kaustav Kapoor walks into her office, ditzy private investigator Kasthuri (aka Katie) Kumar has anything but detection on her mind. He is, after all, a scion of Bollywood’s first family—perhaps he has a role for her? Perhaps she will, at last, get to sashay down the red carpet in a designer gown, with flash bulbs following her every move?
But Kapoor’s intentions are much more prosaic: he wishes Katie to trace the heroine of his new blockbuster (and, if Katie’s read the glossies correctly, his life) who is mysteriously AWOL. Despite her misgivings, Katie finds herself unable to refuse the task entrusted to her, and thereon follows a bewildering hunt for the film star across a trail of corpses.
And if that isn’t excitement enough, she has to contend with the maddening and mysterious, but, oh-so-hot, Tejas Deshpande.
The first in a brand new detective series.
IN BOOKSTORES NOW.
Smita Jain's Weblog 
Hey, it takes major cajones to put yourself out there like that. So yes, it does mean something, even if you “bombed”! And at least it’s not on YouTube (it’s not, right? otherwise OUCH 🙂 ).
@Manu, thanks you so much! As for bring on YouTube, no it’s not going t be there. It’s going to be worse. I think it’s going on Channel V :(.
I think its all right. I mean everyone hates to get bombed but still it takes guts to … you know stand up and confront your fears 🙂
Channel V ? When ? What show ? Details solicited!
@Sangfroid, dunno myself! will tell as soon as weirdasses tell me:-)
SJ babe is so quiet about SRK at Newark. Knows which side of bread is buttered.
@Nilesh Shah, no not silent on this. Just couldn’t think of anything funny. Besides, it’s not as though SRK and i move in the same circles. So no question of covering my ass.
kudos for doing it, I’m a musician of many years, I can speak to an audience in that context, I can throw off-the-cuff jokes in, but to do an open mic thing, stand-up, wow, that’s hard….
good on you…
@gigdiary, thanks! I’m going bcak on stage as soon as possible 🙂 Talk about masochism!
Hey, Oh mi god, Oh mi god, Oh mi god + Malboros can calm anyones nerves 😛 j/k j/k
Facing your fears is a sure shot way of either conquering them or making a fool of ourselves 😛
Glad it turned out the positive way for you !
Cheers
Ps: You have a very mature way of writing! For a change i am loving it !:)
@Rohan, thanks and keep visiting!