Archive for June, 2009

Another weekend goes by and what a weekend it was. I reckon I have enough alcohol in me to open a distillery. The arrival of monsoon has put everybody in a party mood. That coupled with the fact that three of my friends had their birthdays on June 28 meant three straight drinking sessions. Of course, everyone knew everyone so the common sensical thing to do would have been to combine the three occasions, right. Except it never occurred to anyone. Or if it did, it was quickly snuffed out.

So it began on Friday evening. And went on till six in the morning. At which time we all decided we had to drive down to Khandala. At which point I stepped in and said, how stupid is that? If we’re going to drive, we should going to Chiplun. Or Goa. Khandala over the weekend, especially when the monsoon had just arrived, is full of Bombayites.

But then everybody remembered they had to go to a brunch party later on. So it was time to stumble back home, catch a nap, shower and totter off to the other party. At the other party, since everybody had been partying the night before, people were feeling a little sluggish. Then some bright spark, I’m not sure who and I think it may have been me, suggested doing shots to perk everyone up. So in the middle of the afternoon, falsely lulled into complacency by the near-black skies outside, out came the tequila. After all, it’s not the time of day that matters, right? It’s the quality of light outside.

I don’t remember what happened afterwards but I think at six in the evening I somehow managed to crawl out of the pub and into an auto. I don’t remember coming back home and I think I may have figured out that there was no point in going home for just a half hour and then crawling out again. So I may have directed the auto rickshaw to go on straight to the other venue.  

The last party was on Sunday afternoon and that should have been it. Except, I figured, it was stupid to start nursing a hangover from as early as Sunday evening so I came home and drank some more. After all, lohe ko loha kaatta hai.

As of today, I am officially off alcohol. Like forever. But, wait a minute, what’s that? My phone’s ringing. My sister’s in-laws are here and another party beckons. Ah well, what’s another day in the larger scheme of things?

On the subject of hangover, I also managed to squeeze out the film, The Hangover. It’s about a bunch of guys who wake after a night of hard partying with no memory of what happened the night before. It’s hilarious. Go watch it.

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People say the weirdest things, don’t they? You walk into a clinic and the receptionist asks, “You here to see the doctor?” Now why would she say that? Why would I go to a clinic at five in the evening if I wanted to see the doctor? I’d walk across to the pub next door. I’m there to see the hot young intern.

“Hungover? Drank too much last night, eh?” How stupid is that? I’m hungover ’cos I didn’t drink enough. If I’d drank too much I’d still be happily drunk, now wouldn’t I?

Oh, and here’s one I got from some random guy on FB. “Hi, I’m interested in secret, safe sex.” Why would he write me that? What does he expect me to say? Well, good for ya. Let me know if you find out what that is? Interested in secret, safe sex, indeed. I’m interested in the toilet habits of ancient Romans but you don’t find me boring strangers with it, do you?

Well, creepy as it is, it is better than people who send you friend requests and won’t add a message. Then, just to be perverse, they won’t even have a photo on their profile. Or have a photo of their kid or the family pet. What do they expect me to do? Dude, your name sounds familiar, and the bulldog look is about right, but I just can’t be sure if you’re the guy who showed me his wee-wee when we were five?

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The Shiney Ahuja episode carries on. Now more people are coming out in support of him. Someone said, “He didn’t smoke or drink.” I’m sure the maid feels better. “Gee, he raped me, but at least I didn’t get cigarette burns!”

Meanwhile, there’s much controversy over the tabling, in the house, of the Bardhan committee report on 26/11 attacks on Mumbai. The government is reluctant to table the report as is while the opposition is determined to have it tabled in the house as is. After furious negotiations, they have arrived at a compromise. Now the tabled report will be a much slimmer document and will read, “There were lapses.”

The Office of Expenditure is also being charged with lapses. There is much furore over their reinstatement of policy approving first class travel for leaders and bureaucrats. They are being accused of fiscal imprudence and gross misuse of tax payers’ money. I don’t understand what the fuss is about. They didn’t buy any ammo for the Mumbai police last year so it’s just a case of internal juggling of accounts, isn’t it?

Besides, it helps the cash-strapped Air India which hasn’t paid salaries. They did, however, spend twelve crores on crockery.  So what are they saying? “Hey, your plane is on autopilot as the pilot didn’t make it to work…but enjoy your pretty plates?”

On the subject of flying, someone, somewhere asked, “Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?” Good question, I thought. You are on a suicide mission, I don’t think it matters if your brains are splattered everywhere. And then someone said, “I don’t think they were helmets. They were flight caps and goggles.” This was even stupider, I thought. What were they afraid of? People are gonna say, “Looks like he was having a bad hair day, May he rest in peace?”

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So the verdict is out. Intercourse did take place between Shiney Ahuja and the maid and the whole industry is united in its condemnation of the incident. When he heard this, Ahuja broke down and cried, “It was the biggest mistake of my life.” When asked whether he admitted to the incident, Ahuja said, “Rape? I was talking about my earlier unreasonable and uppity behavior with the industry folk.”

A mistake. Really? I wonder what gave it away. When they started bandying about terms like ‘IPC section 376’ and ‘sexual assault?’

Anurag Basu is one of rare people who have come out in support of Ahuja. Calling Ahuja not only a colleague but a close personal friend, he said that Ahuja is a good husband and father and would never do something like that. When questioned about his strong defense of the accused, Basu said, “What do you expect me to say? Look how much trouble my comments on the Big B got me into.”

Shazahn Padamsee, the new Yashraj heroine starring opposite Ranbir Kapoor in Rocket Singh, is upset that a fake FB profile of hers is doing the rounds. Hearing about this, Minisha Lamba said, “I should be so lucky!”

In a complaint lodged with the cyber crime cell, Padamsee stated that someone has created a fake profile of hers and is using it to send abusive messages to industry people. Reacting to this, Anurag Kashyap said, “Now why didn’t I think of it?”

The turmoil in the BJP continues. During their ongoing chintan baithak, internal critics have said that BJP has distanced itself from its core beliefs. Reacting to this, Advani was heard grumbling to Rajnath Singh, “After all these years who the hell remembers core issues and beliefs?”

Sushama Swaraj also said that the situation in the BJP was volcanic. However, she added, the volcano was nearly extinct and in no danger of erupting anytime soon.

The Congress is doing away with feudal titles. They have advised their members to desist from using titles like Raja, Begum, Nizam, Nawab etc. The memo was signed by Contessa Sonia Gandhi.

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So, India has crashed out of the T-20 world cup tournament. When Dhoni was asked in a post match interview if Sehwag’s absence contribute to the failure, he said, “Not as much as Jadeja’s presence…and the fact that we gambled on sending in Yuvi way down the order…and the fact that we gambled on chasing…and…To which the media asked, “Did any of your gambles pay off?” To which Mahi said, “Sure they did. With odds 4-1 in favour of India winning, I made a pile of cash.”

A new study has found that listening to ‘chilling’ music or music that ‘sends shivers down your spine’ activates the same pleasure centres in the brain as does cocaine. Reacting to this data, the music companies were reported to have complained, “Great, now they’re going to ban us too?”

A study has found that, like humans, sperm whales have baby sitters, too. So how does this work? “Hey, I need a babysitter.” “Okay, it’s going to cost you ten squid an hour.” And do the whale babysitters exhibited the same behavior as human baby sitters – talking incessantly on the phone, raiding the fridge and making out with their boyfriends?

Shiney Ahuja had been accused of rape by his eighteen year old maid. In a statement to the police, the Ahuja said, “There’s been a misunderstanding. When I said to her, kapde utaro, I meant take off the clothes from the clothesline.”

To which the maid reacted by saying, “I’ll never be able to completely explain, how you feel after something like that…worthless, violated, confused….n o t h i n g will ever be able to compensate for the degradation I feel…but, the huge out-of-court settlement will help tremendously.”

Sorry, I know that’s insensitive but I feel the whole thing sounds…fishy. She’s been alone with him for forty-five days and he attacks now? I’ll wait for the maid’s rape kit. If it does indeed confirm rape, I’ll gladly apologize.

The time is 1.00 p.m. and I just got the Mid-day. According to Mid-Day, Shiney Ahuja had apparently confessed to the crime. I apologize for the insensitive joke above. Being a woman, I know how heinous rape is. The problem is that treatment meted out to alleged perps under the rape and anti dowry laws is so ridiculous that one does feel for the man. The treatment seems to be arrest first, enquire later. It is just so easy to frame a guy! I personally know of two instances where this has happened. Hence, my earlier scepticism.

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The authorities in a crime ridden section of Tokya have come up with a novel concept to counter burglars. Plant more flowers. Their logic is if the people will be more aware as they will spend more time looking out of their houses while watering or generally looking after the flowers. And here I thought it was to catch footprints in the flowerbeds!

King’s College, London has said that most people don’t know where their heart is. They’ve said that in spite of the increase in education levels and the Internet, people’s awareness of the human anatomy remains low. That’s silly. Why would anyone pore over graphic and asexual vivisection of the human body on the Internet when there’s porn? And tell me, how will knowing where my heart is help? “Hey, doctor, I’m having a heart attack. Let me help you by telling you where my heart is.” If the doctor doesn’t know where your heart is, maybe you need to call your lawyer.

And oh, Mayawati has expressed disdain for Rahul Gandhi’s efforts to reach out to Dalits. Oh, that’s an effective way of cocking a snook at him – take out a huge rally on his birthday! That’ll show him how utterly scornful you are of him.

Antara Mali (remember her?) tied the knot with her beau in a quiet ceremony. Know how she pulled off the hush-hush bit? Complete lack of media interest.

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The US has decided to triple its aid to Pakistan. Boy, I don’t know about you but I wish Obama was my dad. “Hey, bunked school to bonk with boyfriend? Excellent! Let me reward you by taking you out for a beer!”

I know, I know, the US has a far reaching agenda in ‘rewarding’ Pakistan. Yeah, I can see how that can work. “If I take her out for a beer, that one beer will become two and maybe she’ll get drunk. If she gets drunk, she’ll get stupid and have unprotected sex with her boyfriend. And maybe she’ll get knocked up. And then I can marry her off and she’s not my problem anymore!”

On the subject of Pakistan, there’s been outrage over some Paki jokes on tee shirts. Supposedly they go like this: What’s the difference between a Pakistani and a vacuum cleaner? The vacuum cleaner needs to be plugged in before it sucks. The picture shows a Pakistani with the word, Jehadi on his sleeve and three thought bubbles – eat, sleep and Kashmir – around his head.

Reacting to these tees, Teesta Setalvad called them sad and shocking and felt that jehadis’ rights had been violated. She also made public her intention of coaching the jehadis on fabricating stories of atrocities committed against them by the Indian authorities and private citizens like Tantra.

Yeah, one lodged in luxury in Arthur Road Jail and the other nine dead availing of an exclusive deep freeze in the morgue, I can see how life sucks for them.

In yet another news, Abbas Tyrewala said he’s sending John Abraham to his mother-in-law for coaching in diction. To which the mom-in-law said, “you mean that hunk of wood in yellow trunks was alive?”

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Hrithik Roshan has reportedly paid a whopping Rs. 45 crore (Rs. 450 million) for a plot of land in Juhu. Shows he’ll pay anything to get away from daddy. And SRK has gifted his bodyguard a flat in Bandra. You read about that? Seems like SRK’s bodyguard is getting married and when SRK found out, he decided to gift him an apartment next to Mannat. Shows he’ll pay anything to keep Salman away from him!

Oh, and Rakesh Roshan gave a statement about Hrithik’s land purchase deal. Did you read that? He said, “Hrithik is not moving out. He’s bought the plot as an investment.” And you know what he didn’t say? It’s an investment made on his behalf by the Banco Nacional de Mexico!

China has mocked India saying they can’t compete with us. And I was thinking they are so right. What’s the one thing we Indians are good at? Reproducing, right? And we can’t even compete there!

BJP,  yes the party of doddering old men, has been in discussions for the past few days to discuss the reasons for their dismal performance in the recent elections. One journalist parked outside noticed the noise levels inside rising and excitedly asked the Rajnath Singh, “They must have decided something by now.”

Rajnath Singh: Decided? No, we have just finished saying “Good Morning”.

Journalist: But it’s been going for hours.

Rajnath Singh: You must understand, young journo, it takes a long time to say anything in Old BJPish. We never say anything unless it’s worth taking a long time to say.

It’s scary how many similarities there are between the BJP and the Ents of the LOTR.

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I guess I can let the cat out of the bag now. Kkrishnaa’s Konfessions is being made into a film. The producer is iRock India Pvt. Ltd. and we just signed the deed yesterday.

I’m very happy it’s them ‘cos they’re really nice people and as excited about the development as I am. Besides, our visions and amibitions for the project match.

We have already shortlisted potential directors and screenwriters. Before you ask, it’s not me, although I was offered the chance to pen the screenplay. I firmly belive that authors should never attempt to adapt their books into screenplays as they are too close to the source material to be objective. Having said that, I will, obviously provide all the assistance I can.

Wish us luck!

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Picture this…a delinquent is given charge of a very expensive machine to run it as he pleases. Indeed, run it aground if he wishes….what’s that?…no, it’s not a quirk of fate…it is a carefully considered decision…No, no, I’m not talking about George Bush, although I do see your point. I’m talking about the latest Star Trek.

As for Angels and Demons, let’s not even go there. The plot is this: The Pope dies and the next four cardinals in line to succeed him, the preferati (have I got this correct?) are kidnapped by some sicko claiming to be a member of the secret society Illuminati. Now it’s a race against time if the four cardinals are to be saved and the succession to go off without a hitch.

But fear not, the rules are relatively simple and the only knowledge required is that of the location of ancient churches in Rome and the various statues in them. A job, apparently, only Robert Langdon can do.

No conspiracy theory here. This is an out and out thriller, a genre Dan Brown is not good at. Makes me kinda nostalgic about the strike period.

Oh, I also did an interview with FHM India. Give it a read if you, as the article says, wish to know ‘her quirks, chic lit and also answers to those strange questions you have always wanted to ask writers!’

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