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Archive for August 11th, 2008

Oh dear God! What a monstrosity! The less said about it the better. I will say this though. All my friends who recommended this film to me, kitne janamon ka badla nikal rahe thay? I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KICK YOUR ASS! If I’m feeling charitable. Else I’ll just kill you.

What a waste of Akshay Kumar’s dates. I can’t help thinking (mostly ruing) what I could’ve done if had those dates. You could be forgiven for thinking it’s a case of sour grapes, ‘cos it kinda is).

Although, I don’t think Akshay Kumar is really complaining. Thanks to all the publicity and the controversy, the film has already made its money in the opening weekend, taking Akshay Kumar’s hit score to 5 is it, 6, in a row? (Now that’s one dude who’s really emerged. Just watch Mr. Bond for reaffirmation).

I’m worried about is what the success of such films will do to directors like Anees Bazmee, David Dhawan, Sajid Khan and Priyan.

Why is it that we can’t make decent mass comedies in India? Examples of niche comedy being Dil Chahta Hai, Khosla ka Ghosla, Loins of Punjab and Jaane tu…which are all nice.

Now, I don’t hold anything against bawdy humour (I have been known to laugh at sandaas jokes on occasion) as long as it is there.

But No Entry, Sandwich, Welcome, Partner, Mujhse Shaadi Karogi, Bhaagam Bhaag, Bhoolbhulaiya, and Hey Baby (however, he spells it) are seriously illogical, unfunny films! I can’t understand how they gross so much. In fact, come to think of it, the last seriously funny mass comedy film I watched was Hera Pheri. And okay, even No Entry was passable. But the rest, pure, unhilarious drivel.

Which brings to me to the question – what does India want? To all wannabe writers, directors, don’t try hard to work on a kickass script. Just concentrate on three-four things:

  • 1. Big stars: Akshay Kumar, Salman Khan…you get the picture.
  • 2. Random slapstick events: And don’t worry about logic. Hey, if you gotta get Akhay Kumar to Egypt, you gotta!
  • 3. Have the likes of Govinda mouth lines like Tu meri hi girlfriend ke saath saiyan banke naiya pe chaiya chaiya kar raha hai! in a particularly shrill tenor.
  • 4. Have a chase sequence in the end with all the characters involved. It doesn’t matter who’s chasing who or why. As long as it is chaotic.

Oh, and don’t forget to attire heroines in skimpy clothes and make them sing songs. If you really must give them an ‘author-backed’ role, make them nagging (shrill) wives. Notice how ‘shrill’ keeps cropping up?

Congratulations, you’ve got a hit film!

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